PARIS HILTON IS A LIAR AND A WHORE

Following claims by Tom Sizemore last week that he slept with Paris Hilton in 2001, Hilton fired back by saying that she had never even met Sizemore.

“It’s disappointing that Mr. Sizemore has to use my name to sell his DVDs. He is not an acquaintance of mine, nor have I ever had intimate relations with him.”

Thanks to Radar Online, we now know the truth. Hilton is a dirty liar AND a dirty whore.

According to a former close friend of Sizemore’s who was present that evening, “the party started when Tom came home from [since shuttered L.A. restaurant] Las Palmas with a crowd of people he’d picked up along the way. There were lots of drugs flying around and lots of low-rent undesirables all over his house. It was real creepy.”

In the DVD interview, Sizemore claims the two united in feral abandon after the party had cleared out and he followed the sound of a clicking cigarette lighter to find Hilton, the lone straggler, waiting for him in his gym. It was there that she suggested, Penthouse Letters-style, that they have an impromptu workout, the actor claims.

“I’m sure that at some further date, poor Paris will have a flashback and remember that she did have sex with him,” says Sizemore’s former friend. “It will be like a bad dream.”

Wowie wow wow wow. A random poll of people in this room, including myself and my dog, reveals that this “news” comes as a surprise to nobody. Hilton is a crummy actress and it turns out that her skills of deception are equally pedestrian. The pics below of Hilton with sexpot Elisha Cuthbert will make us all feel better, though, won’t they? Sure they will.

October 25th, 2005 TG

PARIS HILTON IS SHAMELESS

According to a report on Hollywood.com, Tom Sizemore has revealed that he nailed Paris Hilton when she was just 19. The statement came in the form of an interview segment on Sizemore’s Vivid Video debut, The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal. It’s porn, people.

Hilton, pictured here holding a furry rat, confronted Sizemore at one of his parties and made it clear that she wanted to partake in all of his slimy, meth-drenched goodness. If that’s not enough to make you retch violently, the same article reveals the following about Sizemore:

He also reveals he has a condition known as priapism, which causes an involuntary prolonged erection that allows him to perform intercourse for unusually long periods of time.

More about priapism from WebMD.com:

Priapism is the occurrence of any persistent erection for more than four hours duration in the absence of sexual stimulation. Priapism is named after Priapus, the Greek god of fertility, and the son of Aphrodite, the goddess of love. He was apparently an ugly, satyrlike man with enormous genitalia. He was the god of gardens, bees, goats, and sheep. According to the story, Priapus had a huge tongue, a fat belly, and his penis was so large that he was restricted to the position of scarecrow in the fields.

That might as well be Sizemore’s IMDB bio.

October 18th, 2005 TG

‘SIMPLE LIFE’ MOVING FORWARD

Despite not being picked up for a fourth season by Fox, producers of ‘The Simple Life’ are still going to film episodes for the new season in anticipation of being acquired by another network. Filming will reportedly begin on November 1st, and Paris Hilton’s publicist insists that Hilton will be ready to go, somehow finding time in between “sitting on her ass” and “dressing like a whore”.

Former BFF and current stick figure Nicole Richie will apparently be back for the new season, spurning reports that Hilton was trying to recruit Kimberly Stewart for the role. Hilton is optimistic that the show will go on.

“We’re shooting Nov. 1,” said the 24-year-old hotel heiress, who had a front-row seat at the Louis Verdad fashion show Sunday. “All the networks are fighting over it.”

October 17th, 2005 TG

PARIS HILTON IS HIGH MAINTENANCE

According to the venerable Radar Online, socialite and celeb-wannabe Paris Hilton has left her publicist Rob Shuter just after getting dumped by fiance Paris Lastis. Her list of past publicists rivals only her list of non-talents, and anyone willing to take her on as a client at this point will have to first consider the fact that she is an A-List bitch. Shuter’s uber-agency Dan Klores Associates had reservations about bringing Hilton on in the first place.

“She’s a pain in the ass and demands constant attention,” says an insider, who claims Shuter only agreed to rep the scandal-plagued heirhead after her mother begged founder Dan Klores to take her on.

October 15th, 2005 TG