KATIE HOLMES IS SCREWED

Despite carrying the spawn of actor-turned-lunatic (or is it lunatic-turned-actor?) Tom Cruise, and the ginormous monetary windfall headed her way should her marriage with Cruise fail, life is not all peaches and cream for former-hottie and currently-pregnant Katie Holmes. Now we find out that the “Church” of Scientology encourages its followers to give birth “silently”: that is, without painkillers or screaming.

Babies are supposed to be born in quiet surroundings because Scientologists believe that the words heard during painful or traumatic experiences can later trigger “irrational fears'’ and “unwanted emotions.'’ Similarly, painkillers are believed to make you more likely to absorb trauma and pain in an unhealthy way.

That said, LaClaire emphasizes that “all of this is done at the discretion of the mother and her doctor'’ and that, according to the teachings of Scientology, any damage done by noise during birth can be reversed.

I wish you luck, Katie. If you choose to proceed with said “silent birth”, your steely resolve and commitment to Scientology will surely be tested. For you see, when the son of Satan emerges from your uterus and an orgy of horns, hooves and tails begins to tear at your female parts, you’ll wonder why you didn’t opt for that coat-hanger abortion that L. Ron Hubbard himself was such a proponent of.

Here are some nice shots of Holmes to remember her by.

November 3rd, 2005 TG